A Land Not Too Far Away

If not Arizona, then a land not too far away. Where all parents are strong, and wise and capable and all children are happy and beloved. I don’t know…maybe it was Utah.
H.I. McDunnough, Raising Arizona

First of all, let me set the record straight – Salt Lake City, Park City, and Moab are not the Utah of which I am about to write. Salt Lake City is a city – diverse (for Utah, anyway), progressive (for Utah, anyway) and modern. Park City is the touristy, hip host of the Sundance Film festival and most of the 2002 Winter Olympics. Moab is the hotspot for extreme sports and environmentalism. They are not Utah. Utah is something different. Or maybe they are Utah, too, and THAT is what makes Utah so different, but they are not the Utah of which I am about to write.

One more thing before I continue…just for your edification… people from Utah are called Utahans. I’ve always wondered that. Well…not really. I’ve actually rarely thought about Utah or the people here at all until I decided to move here. But once I did decide to move here (or shortly thereafter) I started wondering what people from Utah are called. And that, of course, set me to wondering what people from Massachusetts and Connecticut and Illinois and Kansas are called. But I digress…back to Utah and Utahans.

Most of Utah is very rural and in many ways, rural Utah is not so different from rural PA or rural Delaware. The land is scenic and even downright inspirational. The people are friendly and helpful (if you’re white), politically and religiously conservative, tend to drive pick up trucks and to think of the first day of deer season as a national holiday. There’s the whole Mormon thing, though, that makes this place and these people just a little different from the rest. And I’m told (by Mormons who have moved here from other states) that Mormons here are different from anywhere else in the world.

Let me begin with physical stuff. The physical structure of the state is amazingly diverse. Directly to my east (about ¼ of a mile) is the Wasatch Range. It is a very rugged, narrow range that runs north to south for about 200 miles (from the Idaho border to central Utah). It was formed by the (still active and ready to slip at any moment) Wasatch Fault. Directly east and north of the Wasatch Range are the Uinta Mountains, home to the highest peaks in Utah (24 peaks exceed 13,000 ft.) and many trout-rich streams and lakes. Both the Wasatch and Uintas are part of the Middle Rocky Mountains. Directly west of me (about 3 miles or so) is Utah Lake. It is about 24 miles long and 11 miles wide, but only about 10 feet deep (on average). It and Salt Lake are what remain of the great prehistoric Lake Bonneville. West of Utah Lake are the Oquirrh Mountains. While not as steep or high as the Wasatch, they are nothing to smirk at (especially for us Easterners), with the highest peak well over 10,000 ft. Beyond the Oquirrh is the remote and uninviting land known as the Great Basin. It is a mixed bag of barren desert valleys (e.g. the Great Salt Lake Desert) and rugged mountain ranges. It is home to many ghost towns and most closely matches my image of the “wild west.” South of me is the Colorado Plateau. It is in this area where many of Utah’s world-famous national parks (Arches, Bryce, Zion, Canyonlands) are located. This is the area of great canyons, colorful rock formations, and golden-red sunsets. It has been the setting for many westerns and has great geologic and historic significance.

As far as the physical appearance of the people, well…I’m going to go way out on a politically incorrect limb to say that all Mormons look alike. O.K., not really, but there is definitely a Mormon look. Think blond Pillsbury Dough Boy. Of course, not ALL Mormons look that way, but so many do that it’s just plain weird. And, yes, there are a few people with dark hair (e.g. the Osmonds), but not many. Blond is definitely the predominate hair color here and round is definitely the predominate face shape (e.g. the Osmonds again). Many have a distant, almost vacant look to them, too. My co-worker attributes that to Prozac. He’s convinced that 90% of the women here are on Prozac because it’s the only way they can take being “forced” into motherhood to so many kids at such a young age (he might be just slightly cynical). I dunno. The men seem pretty subdued, too. Maybe it’s their special underwear or the green jell-o with carrots they all eat.

On the positive side (I think), I have yet to meet an outwardly cross, obnoxious, or crazy person here. No one has flipped me off in traffic, cut in front of me in line at the grocery store, screamed at their kids at the Wal-mart, pulled up beside me at a stop light and asked for my phone number, swatted at invisible (to my eyes, at least) objects while walking down the street, muttering “Leave me alone,” or yelled “No, you’re Diablo” to no one in particular in the middle of the night (all of which have happened in other places I’ve lived). In fact, people have been so darn nice and friendly that it has made me quite cross and nearly sent me over the edge on more than one occasion. On one sunny Saturday, shortly after I arrived, I became so stressed out by smiling faces and pleasantries that I had to escape to the mountains to be alone for a while. It was unbearable. I longed for someone to curse at me or at least cast me a menacing glare. Clearly, I have lived in the East too long. Or have I? Am I the oddball or are they? Can this many people truly be this friendly and nice or have I landed in some warped Stepford Wives community? Or maybe there are more than carrots in that green jell-o;)

As far as productivity, Utah’s highest yearly crop is children. Seriously. There are more children born in this state than anywhere else in the country. And they are all blond. (OK, not really, but it sure feels like it.) I used to like kids. Now…well…I still like kids, but in small doses. The doses here (if I may be so bold) are way too large. And noisy. Shopping, never one of my favorite things to do, is now a nightmare for me – especially on weekends or days when the schools are closed. I unknowingly made the mistake of going to buy a few things for work last Friday afternoon. It was rainy and slow at work – excavation had stopped completely due to the rain – and I needed to find something productive to do, so I went to buy supplies. BIG mistake. Not only was it a rainy day, but also it was a day when schools were closed. Every store I entered was full of unruly kids and their clearly exhausted mothers. I’ve often wondered why no one here seems to push the carts the extra three feet to the Cart Returns located throughout the parking lots. I now understand that even that little bit of effort is too much when you have several small children pushing, pulling, fighting, running, yelling, etc. at your feet.

I’ve been told that overpopulation and the resulting poverty and crummy schools that go with it recently prompted the LDS Church (THE Church as it is known in these parts) to declare that the number of children a couple has is between them and God (wow, really???) thus officially “lifting” the ban on birth control. However, big young families still seem to be the norm here. Sadly, even the strong arm of the church can’t hold these families together any better than the rest of us can. The divorce rate here is comparable to the rest of the country and drug abuse (particularly Meth and heroine) is at an all-time high (no pun intended) among teens. The devastation of divorce is compounded for many here since children are almost always involved and since many women find themselves completely unprepared, having married so young and, in may cases, having never finished college or entered the workforce. I used to think that the one thing Mormons seemed to really get right was the issue of family and it’s importance. I’m not so sure anymore.

Utah drivers are a whole other story. Perhaps because there are so many young people in this state and they have other things on their mind – like their impending nuptials and the brood of children they are expected to bear and raise – Utahans are some of the worst drivers in the world. Pretty much anything that is painted on the actual road (e.g. lane lines, arrows, stop signs) is completely ignored. Actually, signs in general (speed limits, stop signs, yield signs) are pretty much ignored. Maybe those signs aren’t really there. Maybe they are all in my imagination or maybe they are there, but only meant for us “gentiles” (as all non-Mormons - even Jews – are known). Whatever the case, driving here can be a real challenge. Not meant for the faint-hearted or the slow-reflexed.

Coming from a region of Pennsylvania that includes places with such unusual names as Moon, Mars and Slippery Rock, I should hardly be one to comment on the place names in other states. However, Utah has some doozies, too. While many names have Native American origins, others have ties to either the Bible or the Book of Mormon. They include Ephraim, Kanab, Lehi, Manti, Moab, Nephi, Panguitch, and Tooele. For some reason there are a great many places with “devil” in the name, too (e.g. Devil’s Garden, Devil’s Kitchen, Devil’s Slide, Dirty Devil Canyon). Hmmm. I’ve heard of giving the devil his due, but this seems a bit obsessive.

While I’m sure I’ll learn more about Utah and Utahans the more I explore and meet people, my first impressions include a genuine fondness for the people and the places I’ve encountered, but a reserved fondness. I’m just not sure what to make of the people quite yet and am pretty sure that the land could easily kick my green butt (green as inexperienced, not actually the color green) if I’m not careful – there is actual wilderness out here and lots of it! I look forward to all that I’ll learn.